


Dear Connor Murphy

by Hazeleyeddreamer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bullying, Connor Murphy Has a Crush on Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy is gayyyyy, Depression, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Evan Hansen Has a Crush on Connor Murphy, Evan has a thing for Murphys, Friendship, Gay Connor Murphy, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It’s high school idk what you expect, Jared Kleinman is a asshole, Letters to Self, M/M, Mental Illness, POV Connor Murphy, Paranoia, References to Depression, Social Anxiety, Strangers to friends to maybe something more, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-05-05 20:50:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14626791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazeleyeddreamer/pseuds/Hazeleyeddreamer
Summary: What would have happened if Evan got a change to explain his letter to Connor?...‘Because there’s Zoe’! Is this about my sister!?”“No! No, not at all.”“You wrote this because you knew I would find it!”He can’t really believe that?“What? No. That's-that's crazy.”“Oh? I'm crazy now am I?!”“No! No, you're not crazy.”, Evan says backtracking. “You're not crazy. I’m the one with mental problems.”





	1. You want to be my friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put everything in the tags but just in case you don’t read the tags...
> 
> No archive warnings apply but there are mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts. Please don’t read if you struggle with thoughts of suicide and/or might harm yourself.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Your most best, and dearest friend, Me

Done.

And Print.

“So, what happened to your arm?”

Evan looks up. It's Connor. Connor who yelled at him this morning and shoved him into the lockers. Connor who is Zoe’s brother. Connor who has about as many friends as he does.

“Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually.”, Evan says nervously. Maybe he could tell Connor the truth about how he broke his arm. Connor seemed like he would probably understand. Maybe. But for now...for now he’ll lie.

Connor laughs. “You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my God.”

You have no idea, Evan thinks. He laughs awkwardly.

“I know.”

Connor’s definitely not wrong.

Connor’s celeste blue eyes keep lingering on the cast, Evan notices.

“No one’s signed your cast.”

Wow. Thanks for pointing out the whole lack of friends thing.

“No, I know.”

“I’ll sign it.”

“Oh um…”

You’ll do what now! Connor wants to sign his cast? Maybe having a friend isn't such a crazy fantasy. Maybe Connor and he could be friends...but why the sudden change? Connor called him a freak this morning.

“You don't have to…”

“Do have a Sharpie?”, Conner asks.

Well he seems certain that he wants to. I guess if there's no changing his mind, Evan reluctantly hands Connor a Sharpie.

C

It's huge...why does he feel the need to cover half the cast. Maybe he wants the world to know that he is capable of being nice. If he does this isn't the way to do it. No one will notice.

C-O-N-N-O-R

“Oh. Great. Thanks.”, Evan says. It sounds fake even to himself.

“Now we can both pretend we have friends.”, Connor says cynically. Evan can tell he’s trying to be sincere underneath the cynicism. Is that why he did it? So Evan could at least look like he had a friend. That's actually kinda sweet. Except...since when is Connor nice?

“Good point.”, Evan says because he doesn't know what else to say... Thank you?

Evan takes the Sharpie back. He turns to leave, but Connor stops him with a hand on his arm. He holds out a piece of paper.

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ That's your name, right?

Oh no.

“Oh that's just a stupid, it's a paper I had to write...it’s um it’s kinda really personal”

Good job, Evan you sound like you don’t know how to form a proper sentence. Except it doesn't matter because Connor’s not listening to him. Connor’s looking down at the paper.

Connor’s reading his letter!

“Listen, I said it's personal.”, Evan says as he reaches for the paper. Connor keeps the paper out of Evan’s reach.

“‘Because there’s Zoe’! Is this about my sister!?”

“No! No, not at all.”

“You wrote this because you knew I would find it!”

He can’t really believe that?

“What? No. That's-that's crazy.”

“Oh? I'm crazy now am I?!”

“No! No, you're not crazy.”, Evan says backtracking. “You're not crazy. I’m the one with mental problems.”

Great! He just had to open his mouth, didn’t he? Connor appears to be stunned enough to stop screaming. Mouth open slightly processing what Evan just confessed.

“You? You? What?”, Connor stammers.

“That letter” Evan points. “I wrote that. Well you already know that. I mean. What I mean is I wrote it and it's to me. I wrote the letter to myself.”

“Why? Wait. You wrote a letter to yourself about my sister?”

Oh no, he looks like he wants to punch me again.

“It’s not about your sister. I mean it is. I mention her. But it's not about her, she's not the focus. I just say that-I only mention her becau-”, Evan cuts himself off. He can't exactly tell Zoe’s brother that he has a crush on Zoe. But what choice does he have?

“I like Zoe.”

Connor who has not said anything during Evan’s rambling finally talks, but it's only to repeat Evan’s first coherent statement.

“You like Zoe.”

Evan nods and continues his explanation.

“I write letters to myself. Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s wh-”

“That's not what this says.”, Connor cuts him off. Evan hesitates to respond and Connor starts reading aloud, “Dear Evan Hansen, turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?”. Connor looks up, but Evan is looking at the floor. And then Evan speaks, “I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me.” Evan slowly lifts his head as he speaks like he gets lost in the words and forgets that he’s ashamed of Connor knowing his secrets. He continues, “Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different”. His voice is different than the voice Connor would have read it in. He sounds...jaded. It's not a tone that Connor expects from Evan but somehow it sounds more natural...no, not more natural, more real. He pauses so long Connor's not sure he’s going to keep reading so Connor continues for him, “I wish I was part of something”. He stops, considering. It rings true for him too.

“I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone.”, Evan continues.

“I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?”, they say it together.

Neither of them says anything. What do you say when all of your insecurities have been revealed? What do you say when you learn a whole new side of someone?

“So um”, Evan starts then stops. There is an awkward silence.

“So are we best friends now? Ya know now that I know all of your dark thoughts”

He’s joking, but Evan would be willing.

“Oh. Well...maybe just start with friends?”

Connor looks surprised. “You want to be my friend?”, he asks. “Really?”

“Why not?”

“Well, I don't know if you noticed but besides the fact that we have no friends, we have nothing in common. That and the significantly high number of times I’ve shoved you or yelled at you.”

“Oh. Yeah.”, Evan says looking at the ground. He takes the paper from Connor explaining that he needs it for his session. Connor hesitates but before Evan gets to the door Connor says, “Hey, Hansen! A friend would be a nice change.”

Evan grins as he leave the computer lab. He needs to write a new letter. Today was a great day.


	2. This is fucking stupid.

Dear Connor Murphy,

This is fucking stupid, but here it goes...

Today was a good day and here’s why: I made a friend. Crazy right?

Evan Hansen.

I kind of freaked on him at first. It was like I couldn't think of a positive, logical reason for him to have written something about Zoe.

I was having a really shit day(thanks Jared). Thinking that Zoe had a stalker and she didn't bother to tell me scared me so I took it out on Evan. But Zoe's fine. I mean Zoe and I still don't talk, but Evan’s way too nice to stalk anyone.

Anyway, Evan said he writes letters like this for his therapy sessions. I thought considering my temper and my depression maybe I should try something, this might help.

Sincerely your best and most dearest friend, me(although you might have some competition)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any suggestions or opinions on the characterization of Connor are deeply appreciated. He’s dead for most of the play so I struggle to write as him.
> 
> (And yet you chose to make him your main character)
> 
> Shut up parenthesis!
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! You are valued and appreciated.


	3. It’s not important that I have friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s not important that I have friends mom!
> 
> Anyway do I have to have a warning for the f-word? I use the f-word. And I don’t mean fuck. So homophobia warning I guess?

Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan hasn’t spoken to me since we “became friends”.

It’s been three days and not one word!

I stopped by my dealer because I really needed to chill the fuck out about this. It’s just Evan; what do I care if he’s my friend or not?!

I didn’t have any friends before and I was fine. It’s not important that I have friends. Except I had a friend for all of a few seconds and fuck if it wasn’t nice. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t a fuck-up that nobody can love be around. It was like just for a few seconds there was someone who wasn’t scared or repulsed by me and then the next day it was as if it never happened.

I don’t even know what made him change his mind…Probably common sense. 

Anyway it’s day three; I’m over it. (No I’m not) Here’s what happened today: 

Evan’s friend...or idk acquaintance? Jared Kleinman was giving me shit. Evan overheard and said something I couldn’t hear to him to which Jared responded with “What the fuck ever! I’ll leave you with the budding psychopath then!”. He stormed off and left me and Evan awkwardly staring at each other. He still didn’t say anything to me so I just for history. During which some asshole , I think he’s a friend of Jared’s, threw eraser bits into my hair. You’d think he was a middle schooler flirting except he’s so adamant that I’m a “fag” and that “the fags are the reason for the economic fall and unemployment”.

So, yeah not the best day, but I didn’t punch anybody. So yay me!! Or whatever...

Sincerely your best and only friend, me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to print every positive comment I get a put them on my ceiling because they are honestly so motivational!
> 
> I didn’t believe it when other authors said they lived off of comments, reviews, kudos, follows, bookmarks and such.  
> I get it now.


	4. I actually felt really bad, okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late even for me who has no schedule and procrastinates everything.
> 
> What was I doing instead of posting this?
> 
> ...obsessing over BTS and watching Emo The Musical...
> 
> But listen! It’s here now, *dramaticly gestulates at chapter* so enjoy!

Dear Connor Murphy,

So I confronted Evan about not speaking to me, after school when I found him at his locker in an empty hallway.

I got high as all hell during lunch in hopes of not screaming at him when I did so. Unfortunately by the time I found him at the end of the day I was not calm or mellow or chill. Which was the whole fucking point of smoking while in school, but life had other plans.

I sort of went off on him. I was screaming that he was a fucking liar that never wanted to be my friend in the first place.

...yeah. Turns out he was just scared to approach me. Scared of me like the rest of the school. Guess I didn’t exactly give him a reason not to be.

But we hung out after I screamed and shoved and generally was a dick. His mom was working late so we went to the mall and watched a movie. It was some dumb horror movie that didn’t even have realistic blood but Evan was scared. I paid because it was my idea, he wasn’t prepared and ya know Larry’s money so why not spend it however I want. I also kinda felt bad for yelling at him. We ate so much popcorn during the movie that neither of us wanted dinner so we had milkshakes instead. I paid again. I actually felt really bad, okay?

We didn’t actually talk much through this whole thing but it was still nice to have someone with me while I did cheesey teenager stuff.

I did learn that he’s had a crush on Zoe for about a year and barely spoken to her. I prompted him to talk about it because I was sick of the awkward silence between us. It kinda backfired ‘cause he hesitantly asked if she ever spoke about him and I was forced explain that we haven’t had a personal conversation in over a year. He seemed confused but didn’t pry because he’s a nice goody-two-shoes kind of person like that. We were pretty much back to awkward silence after that.

I drove him home when he got a text from his mom asking where he was and if he had eaten. I didn’t stick around to meet his mom and Evan didn’t force me to. Sometimes his goody-two-shoe-ed-ness is something I really appreciate.

Sincerely, me


	5. Fucking Larry!

Dear Connor Murphy,

Today was a good day and here’s why:  
Evan freaking Hansen.

So from the beginning?

Larry and I had a huge fight this morning. Zoe wanted to wear a skirt. Larry said it was too short. I said it's her body she can wear whatever she wants. He argued that she’s still a child. I said that just means that he’s sexuallizing a child...Yeahhhh he didn’t take that well. Told me I had no right to criticize his parenting when I’m just a pothead who has no future. So I stormed out of the house and sat in Zoe’s car until she was ready to leave. She came out in jeans.

Then Zoe and I shared a car ride of awkward silence while she drove me to school.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best mood when I got to school. I may have punched a few things. Walls probably.

Just before fifth period Evan walked up to me, while I was at my locker, not scared at all. He asked me if I wanted to come over to his house after school. I said yes.

I definitely didn’t want to go home. Didn’t want to face Larry. Or Zoe.

So he drove me to his house. His mom wasn’t home, thankfully. I’m really dreading the day that she finds out that her perfect A+ student is ‘friends’ with the pothead who’s failing three classes. Yeah that’ll go well.

Anyway I asked if he had any videogames and we played Mario Kart for half an hour. During which time we only spoke if it was related to the game. It probably would have remained that way except during our snack break he noticed my bruised knuckles and very hesitantly asked me about them. So I explained and ranted. You can’t just tell your child they have no future! That’s not fucking okay! Fucking Larry!

Anyway, Evan asked me what Zoe thought of my actions. I told him I didn’t know for sure but I assumed she was pissed at me. He quietly muttered something about not assuming. I didn’t pry but got got the feeling there was something he wasn’t telling me. He’s pretty quiet maybe people make assumptions about him alot.

When we went back to playing Mario Kart, I noticed I was winning a lot more of the races. I think he was going easy on me because he knew I was upset. He’s considerate like that. He’s so nice all of the time...it must be exhausting. When he dropped me off I thanked him for having me over and listening to me rant and for letting me win. He blushed and rushed through an explanation that he was just trying to be nice and that he was sorry. It was cute. I told him that I wasn’t mad. He’s actually pretty good at reading people. He doesn’t give himself enough credit. He read me like a fucking book and knew exactly what to do to make me happier. Guy’s a fucking genius.

So, when I got home I took his advice and talked to Zoe. He’s smart; you’re supposed to listen when smart people give you advice.

It was awkward, but she’s not mad. She actually thanked me and told me that Dad was wrong about me.

Take that Larry! Someone believes in me!

Maybe bonding with Zoe is possible…Maybe Zoe isn’t the only one who doesn’t think I’m useless...Maybe Evan does too….

So yeah pretty decent day.

Sincerely, me


	6. May I just say nice choice me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE!!
> 
> I'm not dead!!

Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan and I hung out today, and the day before that. Yesterday we cloud watched in a park near Evan’s house. His idea. Obviously. But it was fun. We talked a lot. It started with just oh that cloud looks like a dragon, but then Evan said one looked like a stethoscope and we started talking about his mom. From what he said I like his mom. She works hard so that she can afford to send Evan to college. My parents have never worked hard for anything in their lives. I told him I thought his mom sounded really nice and that I think nurses deserve more respect and higher pay. Which turned into an economics discussion. Evan’s super smart. Way smarter than I am. I jokingly say he could tutor me with how smart he is. He blushed, which I only know because I was totally staring, and said that if I wanted he would help me study. I told him that I normally end up watching tv instead of studying. Which of course lead to a discussion on television shows and stations that we like. It’s weird that we went from talking about deep, secret shit, like his depression, to essentially making small talk. It’s nice though to have someone to recommend tv shows to and make plans to Netflix binge with. 

That’s what we did today. We watched the entire first season of Teen Wolf. May I just say good choice me because there are just so many shirtless guys. I think Evan was enjoying the eye candy too, but I didn’t ask. Sometimes I watched him when a scene like that came on to see his reaction. It was mostly just wide eyes and blushing. Anyway we knew going into this that we would spend about 8.2 hours together. Evan did the math. And he said probably less because we can skip the intro. I figured that while we’d be spending a lot more time together than usual, we wouldn’t be talking anymore than we normally did because we’d be watching the show. However, it took us like nine hours including snack, bathroom and chat breaks. Yeah that’s right chat breaks. We literally had to pause whenever we wanted to say anything to each other because it usually turned into a 20 minute conversation. It was fucking weird. I normally just get high on Saturdays; this was a nice change though. 

Talking with Evan, talking at all to anyone(myself included I guess because of these letters), is strange. I don’t talk with my family and I don’t talk to my classmates. I guess it’s been awhile since I really talked with anyone.

Maybe this ‘friendship’ will be good for both of us.

Sincerely, me


	7. Ah yes denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally checked my email and discovered I had a comment from a lovely reader asking me to update. And since I can't stand the thought of you guys waiting on my lazy ass, you have a new chapter.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Jared is a fucking dick. I hope he gets hit with a fucking car.

He announced to a crowded hallway that I want to suck Evan’s dick. I may have done something incredibly stupid like punch him in the fucking nose. I probably would have done more, but Evan and Zoe stopped me. I honestly think if they hadn’t held me back, I would have blacked out and who knows the state Jared would be in. But that didn’t happen and Jared just had a bloody nose. Thankfully Jared’s not a snitch and no one in the hallway told (because they’re scared of the school shooter to be) but I didn’t exactly make it look like what he said wasn’t true. I’m sure he doesn’t actually know that I’m gay, I’m sure he’s just being his usual asshole self, but it’s a little too close to home. And he made Evan super uncomfortable. He’s been avoiding me whenever anyone’s around. I’m sure everyone will be talking about how we’re “lovers” by tomorrow regardless of his efforts though.

He bothered to explain to me that he was going to keep his distance and reassured me that he wasn't mad through, which was really sweet of him. He was really awkward while doing so. He was blushing the entire time and couldn’t look me in the eyes. Not that he ever really makes a lot of eye contact. I bet he was embarrassed about the thought of...well anything sexual but particularly when those activities are implied to involve the person you're talking to it’s awkward.

Idk maybe Jared’s right.

Evan's definitely not ugly. And he’s quickly becoming an actual friend to me instead of just an honorary one.

Oh fuck….Do I have feelings for Evan?

Maybe I'm just projecting because he’s my only friend. (Ah yes denial) Stupid fucking Jared. Stupid fucking emotions. 

I should honestly just start these with dear diary because I sound like a thirteen year old girl wondering if she has a crush on her best friend. At what point did I become a teenage girl? Anyone?

Sincerely, A Thirteen Year Old With A Crush (apparently)


End file.
